2/21/2006

What A Bitch! [FEBRUARY 19, 2006]

Well, it’s been a tough one and a half weeks – challenging at times, funny at others – but I think it’s finally over. Our faithful steed and loyal household companion, a.k.a. our blind Labrador Retriever named Ema, is no longer in heat. I can now walk comfortably through the winding streets of Cádiz and loosely hold the leash in my relaxed fingers. She no longer sniffs every puddle of urine and damn street corner or curb, but walks with her head held proudly and elegantly as she once did. She even obeys orders again and doesn’t go running into the middle of the street towards the slightest sound resembling a whimper, bark or growl. One look and you can tell... She’s not that horny anymore. But it wasn’t always like this. No sir!


"Hey there, sailor. Lookin' for a good time?"

For those of you that don’t know, I’m a relatively new dog owner. In fact, I would say I was forced into it as my girlfriend flew in Ema from her native Czech Republic with little or no say on my part. I would have rather seen the mangy mutt dead before living with it but, over the course of a few weeks, I became attached to her. In fact, I eventually began looking forward to her emphatic tail-wagging-greetings at the door upon coming home and our nice little strolls on the beach every morning and evening. A few months after that dreaded four-legged carpet first entered my life, I dare say I couldn’t ponder living without her. So, one can imagine my surprise and anxiety when, about two weeks ago, I saw a tiny puddle of blood under where Ema had been sitting. I was worried and picked her up by the tail for a quick inspection when I saw it and called over my girlfriend, "Come quick! There’s something wrong with Ema! Her asshole is bleeding!" But it wasn’t her asshole. It was her vagina and I was warned... she would soon be in heat.


Me, the unexperienced dog owner, a few months ago
unsure of what to do at the sight of other mutts

I’m assuming most people are like me and, as I was prior to this experience, have no idea what exactly is going on when a bitch is in heat. Well, here’s a quick biology lesson. The canine menstrual cycle isn’t like the human one. In fact, bitches only menstruate twice a year for about two weeks and, unlike women, can only get pregnant during this period. During the rest of the year, when they aren’t menstruating, they don’t even think about sex and don’t have to worry about those drops of blood dripping down their hind legs every few minutes. My girlfriend swears it would be perfect if the human female reproductive system worked like that of a dog... No concerns about forgetting to take the pill and getting pregnant all the time; No changing tampons or panty-liners in public lavatories for a week out of every month (and worrying about whether you brought one with you when you go out for the evening); And, best of all, the dreaded PMS would only strike twice a year. I, for one and as a male, would NEVER want it to work that way. It would mean having sex only twice a year and I sometimes need it twice a day! Although, come to think of it and from what I’ve been told, by the time we’ve been together for over a decade, having sex once every six months sounds like the right kind of frequency. Hell, I’ve heard of married men who are lucky to get even that.


"DAMN! I smell me some booty... Is that bitch in heat?"

But getting back to our blind blonde, Ema, she was nothing but one headache after another for those two weeks. First of all and most basically, she would leave blood everywhere. It really started getting on my nerves after the first few days and I even suggested tying a diaper around her hind quarters. My girlfriend said it was a bad idea. She had already tried it once in Prague when Ema was in heat a few years ago. When they went for a walk early one morning all those winters ago and my girlfriend, in her half-awake stupor, forgot to take the diaper off, the dog ended up first pissing and then shitting herself. I’m inclined to think it wasn’t a pretty sight.


Well, how can he wear a ball cap if he doesn't have a ball?


Now that's better!

So, we ended up mopping the blood after Ema every few hours or so. But that wasn’t the most distressing of our worries. The real challenge came when we took her for her obligatory two walks a day. Every time a dog approached, she would prepare for sex by curving her tail to the extreme left or right and leaving it there – allowing for "easy access" as my girlfriend has dubbed it. I thought it wouldn’t be that much of a problem seeing as Ema is blind and can’t actually see any other dogs. But that didn’t stop her. At the mere sound of another mutt, or whiff of what might be a mutt, or even when there wasn’t a mutt around but she thought there might be, our blind fur-ball would just stop there in the middle of the street, curve that tail, and wait patiently for penetration. A strong yank on the leash or a smack on the head was the lone thing that would get her moving again... only so that she could repeat the whole damn thing a minute or so later.


"Hey buddy, forget the old lady. Do you see that bitch? She's curving her tail at me!"

Ema, though, wasn’t the worst part of this daily ritual. In general, she’s very well behaved and trained. Only when it comes to sex does she get all worked up and in a frenzy. As for other dogs – the true mutts of Cádiz – they’re not trained at all and you can imagine how they act when it comes to sex. The male dogs were all over Ema during the daily walks. They’d sniff her hole and follow her half way through the city, ignoring my threats and adamant foot stomping. Where were the owners, you ask? Who knows! The only "responsible" dog-owners you see here in Cádiz, well at least those of them that are old ladies, and don’t let their pets roam free are so lazy to walk their dogs, that they reluctantly do it in their bathrobe and slippers. It’s quite a sight seeing old ladies wander the streets in their comfortable domestic eveningwear and being led by lap-dogs! As for the rest of the locals, the irresponsible ones, they’re probably drinking their coffee somewhere or having an early tapas at the local bar while their mangy mutts roamed free. And mutts is what most of the dogs here in Cádiz are.


Documented Proof: The lady on the left is wearing a blue bathrobe
and slippers in the town center in the middle of the afternoon

I know I call Ema a mutt, but she is actually a pure-bred Labrador with a pedigree. I have only seen a handful of purebreds here in Cádiz. In fact, even the central pet-shop near the fish market only sells cross-breed mutts, and at practically the same price of what you can get a pedigree pure-bred in Prague. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of them are really cute and adorable and their owners still love them, or even dress them up, as they would an adoring child... Even though most of them are strange cross-breeds with protruding jaws or short-haired bodies with long-haired tails or slobbering mouths that their stubby legs can hardly keep up with. The biggest setback, though, must be that they are impossible to train. And even if they weren’t, the Spanish around here don’t seem to mind. They just let them run around town without a leash or even a collar, and leave the dirty work – of keeping those mongrel phalli away from Ema’s purebred love-cavern – to me.


"Hey, bub. Who you callin' a mutt? My name's Sir Winston."


Sorry about that Sir Winston. These guys are the mutts I was talking about...


...And this litte bastard with an underbite made my life
a living hell each time I stepped foot outside the door

Ema must have realized after about halfway through her cycle that she wasn’t going to get any doggy-lovin’ on our watch. That’s when she resorted to desperate measures. At first, she only did it to my girlfriend... As my lovely Czech sat there on the sofa watching TV with her legs crossed, Ema would slowly sneak up and mount by grabbing onto her knee and commencing the infamous doggy-style. I had a good laugh, "Silly mutt! Only male dogs have sex like that!" until she started doing it to me a few days later. In fact, she even mounted a few visitors we had invited over our place during the weekend. No one was safe while Ema was in heat and if she couldn’t get a male from her own species, then a human leg, regardless of gender, would do just fine thank you very much.


Ema under a severe sniff- and lick- blitzkrieg... and enjoying every minute of it

As I initially stated, thank God though that all of this has finally come to an end. Nowadays, we can walk our lovely Labrador on the beach once again without the fear of having her followed by a pack of male dogs frothing at the mouth over the irresistible odor emanating from her nether-regions. She currently prefers, as she once did, chasing balls and eating salami scraps off the pavement to dry-humping the legs of our house guests. Even the local mutts, which used to follow her without reprieve, now give her and me some breathing space... although they occasionally do sneak by and get a well-sought-after sniff or lick. But, most importantly, no matter how much they lick or sniff, that tail doesn’t get into the "easy-access" position anymore. Now, when I tell Ema to sit, she sits. Lie down and she lies. Stay and she stays. She is once again as loyal and obedient as she ever was. Now that I think about it, it’s amazing what will happen to a living creature when sex is involved. It’s a basic instinct and all creatures, from a bird to mankind, would do whatever it takes to get a few precious moments of pleasure. The one thing I don’t understand about dogs, though, is why do they need it so much when they’re in heat if they can just lick their own genitalia? Hell, if I could pull that one off, I would never leave home. In fact, I doubt I would have ever been able to finish typing up this article...

7 comments:

deborah said...

What a great read. You need to publish this stuff. Other than these crazy blogs. I LOLed often reading this. Thanks.

Lori said...

LOL....You're bad!!!

Ohhh I remember when my dog Salty..went in heat the first time....I didn't know what was happening....and then the blood came.....I was worried....only to find out she's in heat.....and since she was so big 100 lbs.....it seemed like alot of blood.....But I feel your pain...I really do....been there done it!!!

Have a great day!!!

Lisa said...

I second deborah's motion. You need to seek a publisher. Your reports are great!

euro-trac said...

and I third deborah's motion!
Cheers! I really enjoyed reading that! Very amusing....

Chiri said...

Oh, Philo! When I read this I remembered the spectacle of a very horny chihuahua trying to hump a much larger bitch in heat. I don't know what breed she was but there was at least as large as a golden retriever.
This tryst took place right there on the living room floor, with a group of us sitting around discussing Very Serious Matters. I exchanged smirks with the one person there who was 'de confianza' but there were others present who I'd never met before and may have not noticed, or were mature (uptight?) enough to pretend not to.
The chihuahua was crazed, attacking the languid bitch from all angles, while she stretched out and yawned, oblivious to the tiny creature's frenzied throes of passion.
I should have taken a photo.

hippo_pepperpot said...

reading your blog makes me smile. thanks.

J.Doe said...

Ha Ha HA .what a funny post!
I hope things have settled down now, and even though I'm not a male dog, I'd have to say that Ema is cute.