Something Smells Fishy In There [NOVEMBER 6, 2005]

Humanity has come up with some pretty strange celebrations in the name of tradition. Some cultures dip their newborn babies into water, others have them circumcised before they can even blink, and still others order their young men to join the military (and become killing machines) before they can truly be considered adults capable of respecting others. But these are all but unique traditions. Things most people go through only once in a lifetime. The most exquisite of traditions aren’t the ones that we see but a single time throughout our many years, but the ones that happen again and again, year after year. And there’s no time of year when these types of traditions get stranger than at the end of October and beginning of November.

Christianity has All Saints’ Day, the Brits have Guy Fawkes Night, and we Americans – along with most of the Western world it now seems – have Halloween. I thought we had the world beat with Halloween. I mean, how can any culture possibly have a stranger tradition than that one? A bunch of kids go around their neighborhoods asking for either a trick or something sweet and, if they’re lucky, they get the fright of their life after Dracula pops out of the closet. Keep in mind, the Count is popping out of the closet of some stranger’s house and telling little five year olds, "I VANT to SUCK your blood!" If that happened on any other night of the year, the police wouldn’t go long without a disturbing complaint from a frantically concerned parent. But, on that one night, mom and dad tell their frightened little one, "Oh Honey... It’s nothing to be scared of...." Even E.T. got to walk around the town during Halloween and no one was the wiser! There can’t possibly be a stranger yearly tradition somewhere else in the world, now can there?

Well, curiously enough, there is and it happens every year here in good ol’ Cádiz. It doesn’t happen all over the city as Halloween does in towns back in the US, but only in the central food market. Why this is will make perfect sense once I explain what exactly it is that goes on during the festival of Tosantos (As the people of Cádiz pronounce Todos Los Santos, or All Saints).


Welcome to TOSANTOS - You're in for quite a treat!

The official Cádiz food market, Mercado Central, is a large one-storey building that occupies an entire city block in the center of the city. It has provided the residents of Cádiz with meat and produce for hundreds of years and continues to do so till this day. Sure there are supermarkets elsewhere, just like in any other modern city in Europe, but if you want the good stuff or the hard-to-come by fish and pork fillets, you go to Mercado Central. The market itself is divided into three sections – fruit and vegetables, meats and cheeses, and fish. This past Monday all three were closed as the mongers within labored away in preparation for their big night. They were dressing their food.


Was that butcher made out of...? Don't even ask.

That’s right, I said dressing their food. And I’m not talking about a bit of parsley on the side. Mama always said don’t play with your food but I guess the matrons of Cádiz have never heard of it.

My girlfriend and I first entered Mercado Central that evening through the produce section. It was almost too comical to believe.
There was a tourist groups of nuts (walnuts if I remember correctly) visiting a scale model of the Egyptian Pyramids and surrounded by camels made of potatoes.


These Spaniards have got to be nuts

Another produce-peddler had changed his juicy citrons and kiwis into an elaborate crossing-the-border scene as illegal African emigrants tried to scale the fences which guard Spanish enclaves in North Africa. Next to them stood the council table of the United Nations as Bush, Chirac, and others discussed what could be done to alleviate the problem.



A better life awaits on the other side................ But should we let them in or not?

Another vendor forgot about dressing and arranging his melons and simply sculpted them, putting what I normally see carved on pumpkins back home in Philadelphia to shame.


A fruit-man by day, sculptor by night

But fruit and vegetable decoration isn’t that strange, right? After all, we have carved pumpkin too. Well, that’s where the meat and fish sections of Mercado Central come in. The night of Tosantos, the fruit pushers aren’t the only ones that have fun, the butchers and fishmongers get in on the action too.

The pigs were what first caught our eyes.
There were pig families dressed in elegant clothes dancing in front of television cameras.


Tonight on the Ed Sullivan Show

There were couch potato pigs eating ham – of all things – and watching us walk by.


Nothin' to do but hang out...

Even the family of the animated film, The Incredibles, showed up wearing what must have been their newly designed pig secret identities.


Is that THE INCREDIBLES in Cádiz? .............................. And they even brought the baby along

There were big pigs, little pigs, fat pigs, thin pigs, pig heads, pig feet... you name it. And, keep in mind, when I say pigs, I mean REAL pigs. The heads and hooves and whatever else is left of the animal when the butcher is done his business. Most of us don’t usually see these things because when we buy meat in a supermarket, we buy it in a nice little vacuum-dried container wrapped with sterilized cellophane. Who’d even think that our porkchop came from that same animal dancing about on the counter in the cute little outfit?

The pigs may have been disgusting and crowned Tosantos as the officially strangest "end of October/ beginning of November" tradition, but one sight at what lay in store for us in the fish section gave the festival the most repulsive crown as well.


You gonna come in or just stand there all day?

Dead rotting fish lined the walls of Mercado Central’s inner most sanctum. I was accustomed to seeing fresh tuna, still jumping shrimp, squid of all shapes and fish of all sizes on display at the stalls there. But nothing prepared me for the grim picture of decaying sea-life that awaited us that day. As my girlfriend’s camera clicked away, I pushed my way through the thronging crowds (mostly families with young kids) and soon found myself, along with all the Spaniards around me, laughing at the witty comments posted by each fish and admiring the creativity of that particular fishmonger.


Go Fish-Racer, GO!


Jeez, can't a fish have a little privacy every now and then?


Fish in their natural habitat: Singing in a choir on the Cathedral stairs



Looks like the Little Mermaid finally got that wedding she always wanted

I know... I should have cringed at the grotesque pig heads and been repelled by the dead fish dressed in wedding dresses (not to mention those in race-car helmets), but the happy-go-lucky attitude of Cádiz is just so damn contagious I forgot completely about how disgusting it all was. That night alone, we were no longer foreigners. We were one of them...

Only after we had done our rounds through Mercado Central and my girlfriend had her fill of pictures, did the repulsiveness of it all finally strike us. We held our noses – the mingling stench of rotting fruit, fly-infested pig parts, and days-old fish heads had by then become too much to bear– and finally walked away from Tosantos, confident that no matter how strange Halloween may be, nothing could beat what we had just witnessed.

What's All The Buzz Around Doñana? [OCTOBER 30, 2005]

We stepped out of the boiling car and into the Andalucían wilderness. The thick shrubs that encircled us allowed for a fleeting glimpse of the wetlands beyond. I squinted my eyes and tried to spot some of the national park’s famous flamingoes in their natural habitat.
"Hey, anyone see some flamingoes?" as I batted away a fly that had landed on my neck.
"No... Wait a minute! What’s that?" our friend asked as she swatted in much the same way I had just done.
"No, no, no. That’s a hawk. Or maybe an eagle," her boyfriend answered as he slapped his arm.
We all continue looking and swatting aimlessly when my girlfriend interrupted,"These flies are driving me CRAZY!
"Yeah, this is a bit ridiculous."
"My God, they’re EVERYWHERE!" as I felt something, somethings, landing on my face. "What the... They’re attacking me! Feeding off of my beard!"
"Me too... Can’t... get... rid... of them."
"That’s it!" my girlfriend yelled. "I’m going back to the car!" She walked back to the searing metal box, arms waving maniacally in the air, and opened the door. A cloud of flies emerged from within. "They’re... They’re... Everywhere! In here too!"
"But we JUST got out of the car!" We had parked and left the windows open, hoping that it would alleviate some of the heat in our air-conditionless Opel. Not even five minutes had gone by.
It felt like we were the unwitting victims in some 1960s Zombie flick gone horribly wrong. "Everyone, quick! Back into the car! Let’s get out of here before they take over completely," I yelled.
We all hopped into the scorching four-door hatchback, windows still rolled down, and drove away to another section of the park as a cloud of dust picked up in our wake.

One of the things you miss about living in a city like Cádiz, nearly completely encircled by the sea and thoroughly urbanized through its three thousand years of existence (that’s right, I said Cádiz has been around for 3000 years), is nature. Back in Pennsylvania, where I’m from, you have so many trees, deer and squirrels that you eventually find nothing strange about strange mammals running across your lawn at strange hours of the day. Back home, we don’t use the popular British expression "like a rabbit in the headlamps" but say "like a deer in the headlights." It’s the same with my girlfriend. In fact, she misses the rolling green hills and wooded countryside of her native Czech Republic even more so than I do. Sure, Cádiz’s cobblestone alleys, Renaissance architecture and decaying Roman theater are nice, but sometimes you just need a little stroll through the forest. You need to get some green and fresh air. So, when the opportunity arose last weekend to take a nice afternoon drive with some friends down to Spain’s largest Natural Park and Wildlife Reserve, Doñana Park, we were as anxious as children on Christmas morning.

Doñana is a lovely place with a wide arrange of flora and virgin habitats. It is home to some 250 different species of birds, over half of them migratory, and 28 species of mammals, most of them in danger of extinction such as the lynx and Egyptian mongoose. The park itself is divided into many different sections but, as a whole, consists of nearly 1300 square kilometers of untouched reserve stretching from the Atlantic through the provinces of Huelva, Seville and Cádiz. At least that’s what our guidebook said. What we found when we first got there were those hordes of flies and countless shrubs. Now I know the ecosystem here in Andalucía is different than that of the Northeastern United States and Central Europe, but a park isn’t really a park without trees, now is it? Shrubbery, no matter how large, tall or plentiful, does not a park make. What it does make is shrub-land and, in my opinion, shrub-land is only one step better than the Sahara when deciding where to take a nice Sunday stroll.


Ah, there's nothing like a lovely stroll through the park

But, as I said at the beginning of this article, we quickly left the first place we stopped at in Doñana. We headed off in the Opel with our windows rolled down and the dusty wind blowing in through the windows which, temporarily at least, seemed to keep the vehicle’s flies at bay. We drove through the shrub-land on the bumpy dirt road for a while when we spotted a sign. "Bird Observatory –› 10KM" What the hell? we thought. An official bird observatory might be the perfect place to get a reprieve, no matter how temporary, from the unbearable heat and insects that seemed to be following us everywhere. There would probably be some exhibits and park rangers there to help us enjoy our wildlife experience too. And maybe, just maybe, we’d finally be able to see some flamingoes.


The Bird Observatory must have taken ages to build!

Well, after about fifteen grueling minutes on the crappiest road ever built by man, we made it to the observatory. There were no park rangers, no exhibits, not even a W.C. In fact, there wasn’t even a building. The official park observatory was nothing more than a makeshift bamboo wall with a hole cut out in the center. That was it. It overlooked the shrubs and, if you looked for long enough and far enough, you could make out a bird or two. They didn’t look like flamingoes though.... The closer I looked the more they resembled the seagulls I see in Cádiz every day. After swatting a few more flies away, we decided we had had enough of Doñana. All four of us crawled disappointedly into the Opel and headed back along the same dusty road.


Observing... Making the most out of Doñana's tourist facilities

Thankfully, halfway back to the "Bird Observatory –› 10KM" sign, my friend (who was driving) had to water the shrubs. It turns out he had drunk too much water on the way there. So, we pulled over, he went to take care of business, and the rest of us walked toward the marshy wasteland a few meters to our left. Then we saw them... the flamingoes. They were beautiful. They were gathered in what must have been a group of thirty or forty, leg deep in the marsh-water, feeding on what algae they could find beneath. A few spread their pinkish-hued wings to fly away and we gazed in wide-eyed amazement at the glorious picture of pristine nature which lay before our unsuspecting eyes. The entire day’s troubles had been worth it... or so we thought.


Breathtaking! It was all worth it

On our way back to the civilization we, once again, had to go through that first place we had stopped at in the park. To our surprise, close to one of Doñana’s entry gates, the locals from the bordering village of Algaida (not Al-Qaeda as I first thought) had invaded the park dressed in elaborate flamenco costumes and riding proud horses. They were preparing for the favorite Spanish pastime – fiesta. The colorful sight was so eye-catching that we decided to stop. How lucky, we thought, to be able to witness both flamingo and flamenco in one day. We found out a few minutes later that quick glances from a moving car can often be deceiving. In all the merriment and excitement we had completely forgotten about the evil little flies that lurked in the shrubbery. As we stepped out, they attacked us in full force but this time with reinforcements... giant mosquitos. We slapped and swatted away as the Spaniards, who weren’t bothered in the least by the countless insects buzzing about, continued drinking their wine, eating their tapas and dancing to their guitars. We were soon overwhelmed by the sheer number of pests and, realizing our mistake, jumped back into the Opel more than willing to sacrifice the show. Inside the metal deathtrap there was nothing but boiling and buzzing.


A fiesta in the depths of Insect Inferno - but the Spanish don't mind

"Get the hell outta here!" I shouted to the driver as we all swung our hands in a futile attempt to protect the little skin that had yet to be stung. "They’re... taking... over..."
He inserted the key and turned the ignition. Nothing. We glanced at each other in despair.
"Try again! The battery’s almost new! It’s not possible!" Our fingers crossed, we watched him turn the key once again. Still nothing. "For the love of God... NO!"
The horrible truth suddenly dawned on us. We were stuck in a sweltering car in an insect-infested park with people laughing and dancing flamenco all around. Forget 1960s Zombie flick – We had entered The Twilight Zone.


Don't take it personally Algaida, but we're gettin' the hell outta here!

The desperate situation called for brisk action. It wasn’t the first time something like this had happened to our friends so they took out the cables and asked some fiesta revelers for a jump start. To our relief, the engine was soon brought to life and we headed out of that hell-hole without looking back, laughing almost hysterically at the thought of what if the stalled engine had happened earlier in the day at the "official park observatory" miles from civilization. But we didn’t laugh for too long. Our happy chitchat was soon silenced when the engine died yet again, only fifteen minutes later. We needed another jump start. A quick glance around and we soon spotted our saviors. "Perdone las molestias..." The engine started once again but this time we set off for Cádiz with ominous apprehension.

Well, to cut a long and embarrassing story short, Spanish people proved to be very patient and helpful. My normally pessimistic girlfriend, for example, was completely taken aback when we stopped at a petrol station and asked the busy attendant inside the rest stop for help. She simply handed us the keys to her car, told us to "do what needed to be done" and continued serving customers at the cash register. Our thanks to all who helped!


"Perdone las molestias, Señor..." but we need another jump

Despite this outpouring of kindness though, we still didn’t make it home. Ten kilometers outside of Cádiz on a narrow expressway overpass and in the rapidly fading daylight, the Opel died its last death. We could do nothing more without a mechanic – Shock treatment just wouldn’t bring it back.

Desperate and stranded, we called for help and received what we should have expected from a Spanish tow service, "What? Today during the weekend? How about we pick it up on Monday?"
"Umm, it’s in the middle of the expressway. On a narrow overpass. Don’t you think it might just be a little dangerous to leave it here overnight?"
"Maybe... But, we can’t pick it up until Monday. Try calling the Municipal Authorities."
"Okay, thanks."
...
"Hello? Municipal Authorities? We need a tow truck because we’re stranded on the expressway and this is rapidly becoming a public hazard."
"What? Today? It’s the weekend! We can come by tomorrow."
"But it’s an emergency..."
"Yeah, well... Try calling a tow service."
You get the picture. Anyone who has spent enough time in Spain knows that, after fiesta, the two other favorite pastimes are pass-the-buck and mañana.

In the end, we called an English friend of ours and he came to the rescue a bit past ten. He helped us tow the war-weary Opel off the dangerous overpass and onto a safe side street were it could be left overnight.

The car is now okay and for those of you who understand automobiles, it was the alternator. For everyone else, two little pieces of advice – Don’t rely on the Spanish authorities and, most importantly, NEVER go to Doñana without repellent!

Mañana... I swear!

Well, I finally made it back from Prague, have settled back into my routine here in Cádiz, and got my writing up and going again. I realize it’s been a while since I last posted an article, but to that I have only one Spanish word (more of a mentality than a word actually) to blame – mañana!!!

temporarily away...

Well everyone, I'm off to Prague for the next month or so. See you back here when I return!

--GC

One Scam For The Road [AUGUST 14, 2005]

You can see them no matter what city you live in. If there’s a museum or some landmark in your neck of the woods, then you’re no stranger to their clicking cameras and comments in some language you can’t quite place your finger on. And even though they may annoy us every now and then, all of us, in fact, have been in their shoes at one time or another. Horror of horrors, you may even be one at this very moment – a tourist.


Tourists on the prowl for the perfect postcard

But it’s nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it’s something to revel in. You’re in a strange country, experiencing new sights and smells and tasting exotic food every moment you step out of the hotel. And, best of all, you have off from work. I myself used to be a tourist here in Cádiz, but then I got a job. Working is what differentiates a carefree tourist from an homesick expat.

I still remember my tourist days here in Spain very well. There are some things that every tourist experiences and I was no exception. The confusion of entering a shop and finding that the local behind the register doesn’t speak a word of English and you don’t know a word of Spanish except for "Adios" and "Por favor." Speaking with your hands is the one language every well-traveled tourist is fluent in. The food also struck me, especially when I first saw those greasy hind legs of some disgusting pig hanging from the ceiling. I never thought I’d have touched the stuff, but one taste of that delicious Jamón Serrano and I was hooked. Finally, the one thing every tourist experiences, whether they realize it or not, is getting ripped off. Scammers and tourists go hand in hand and, as a service to my readers, I’ve decided to classify them into three distinct categories.


Jamón Serrano:
A first-time tourist's disgust, A seasoned expat's delight

Entire economies have been founded on milking tourists out of every last penny and some sharks have amassed enormous private fortunes from their dubious deeds. Most of the time we never realize we’ve been ripped off until it’s well too late. In fact, I didn’t realize I was paying more for most of the things I was buying until I stopped being an tourist and assumed my expat identity. But that was just as far as paying a few extra cents here and there or "accidentally" being handed back the wrong change was concerned. Such petty thievery earns the perpetrator two extra quarters to rub together once in a blue moon and they go home at night donning a big, dirty grin acting as if they’ve just captured Gibraltar back from the British. These are the smalltime scammers and they’re the most prevalent.

Then there are the outrageous scammers. Many of them get caught due to their outlandish bravado and consequently enter the annals of Urban Legends – Globetrotter’s Edition. Have you heard about the Japanese tourist visiting Istanbul, for example, who ended up paying over six hundred dollars for a Turkish rug that should have cost no more than twenty? Or the friendly Parisian street-performer who offered to help the lost Australian lass, who had just given him a handful of change, while his accomplice emptied her pocketbook? Or, my personal favorite, the Englishman who flew into Athens and hired a taxi to take him over five hundred kilometers to a city in the north called Thessaloníki? The taxi-driver ended up driving in circles throughout the Greek capital, until the passenger doze off in the overwhelming heat, and then woke him up three hours later charging the full fare and informing his prey that they had arrived at their destination when they had in fact only gone as far as the Athenian suburbs. But these of course are the exceptions. The ones we hear about. The ones that often get caught and travel guides warn us to keep an eye out for.

The smalltime scammers and outrageous scammers, though, are just petty crooks and end up using all their wit and fast talk for nothing but a few extra pennies. They make maybe one or two big catches per year... but that’s it. Think about it. Taxi-drivers, those most infamous of highway robbers, can’t really be all that good at milking tourists out of their vacation money. If they were, they wouldn’t still be driving taxi cabs around in the searing summer heat, now would they? If you want to make real money out of tourists, you need to get them in herds and make it look legit. You need a company.

The smallest number of swindlers but, by far the most profitable, are what I call the syndicate scammers. These guys live off of tourists. They make mountains of money during peak tourist season (the summer months here in Andalucía), and then sit on their asses or in their villas during the rest of the year sipping sherry or sangria. As far as I’ve been able to discover, there are only three syndicate scammers here in Cádiz and they’re all in the same business.


TOUR DE CÁDIZ offers you the best view of the back of the Cathedral around!

The two that are at most at each other’s throats, because they do exactly the same thing, are the ones that run the tour bus swindle. Cádiz Tour has the red buses and Tour Por Cádiz has the green and yellow. These massive double-decker buses offer to take you around the city and show you the sights while saving your feet from all the walking and your head from hours of overexposure to the sun. How can that be a scam, right? They’re providing a useful service for the tourists, aren’t they? Well, normally I would say yes. A city like Madrid needs such a service and I’m sure it enhances the tourist’s holiday experience. But here in Cádiz, it’s a different story. This city is over three thousand years old – the oldest in Europe. People probably didn’t even know how to use a horse and carriage when the Phoenicians first settled here and you can see it in the city’s street plan. Most of the inhabitants either walk to their destination or drive around in mopeds because that’s the only thing that can steer through the maze of narrow and winding streets. You do see a car every now and then, but they crawl along at a mind-numbingly slow pace while offering you a chance to closely examine the many dents on the body and missing side-view mirror, both telltale battle wounds of how difficult it actually is to navigate a vehicle through these streets. The only large, two way street that cars dare to use is the one that goes around Cádiz... the one the tour buses use but, of course, there aren’t any monuments or sights of interest on that street. They’re all in the center.

I can just imagine how a tour on one of those buses would run: "Ladies and gentlemen, If we were to go down that street, you would see the Cathedral which is a beautiful example of 17th Century architecture. In front of the Cathedral you would see a beautiful square with an intricate marble pattern carefully laid into to stone. The narrow street leading off of that square leads to the beautiful flower market and the always popular fish market, which we, of course, can’t see from here. I would be more than happy to describe it for you though. Imagine... As you enter the market, you would probably see a number of fish to either side including octopus, prawns, and actual swordfish in their entirety. If you were to walk to the..." When the guide finally finishes talking, the bus just goes around the city once more and the tourists finally get off, having seen nothing from the bus except for the ocean to one side and the decaying buildings that line the city’s only two-way street to the other. Tourist milking verdict? Complete success!


Map of the tour route - Just follow the blue line around the city

The other syndicate scammer is a bit different but also offers tours. This one is always popular with the kids and the Germans. They can’t get enough of it. El Tren De Cádiz provides the same service as the tour buses, and exclusively uses the same two-way, ocean front street... but these Spanish Shylocks do it in style. Who needs an oversized double-decker bus when you can use an oversized, tacky white train? Just make sure you keep you hands inside the moving vehicle at all times, whether you’re a local or not.


Here come the Krauts... Make way for the tacky white train!

Come to think of it, if you ever find yourself zipping through the streets, I mean the street, of Cádiz one day in a white train, then you’re probably not a local anyway. You’re not even an expat. Face the facts... you’re just another tourist.